


Sparkling Stardust

by magnessina



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Christmas Fluff, F/M, Inspired by A Christmas Carol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-04 18:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5344685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnessina/pseuds/magnessina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ knew it was over for her. She had had the chance to be happy, and she had said no. But Christmas is the time of miracles, so, perhaps, three nights — and three dreams — be enough to make her see. A Jotch "Christmas Carol" story. / Fluff, everyone's there, everyone's happy — or, at least, everyone will end up happy. Will-friendly. Merry Christmas!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Overture

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know about you, but I do think we - the community describing themselves as being the utter Jotch trash - deserve a Christmas fic. I decided to give us that. I'm a little bit nervous, because this is my first Jotch multiple-chapter story, and everyone will make an appearance - even Will! And because this time of the year is very special, this fic - while strictly JJ/Hotch - is also Will-friendly.  
> Here's a longer summary:
> 
>  **SPARKLING STARDUST** — _a Jotch Christmas Carol_.
> 
> "No space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused"  
> ― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
> 
>  
> 
> _She knew it was over for her. She had had a chance to be happy, and she had told him no. She had chosen her son's happiness over her own, and she should feel noble. So why was she feeling encaged?_  
>  Perhaps it wasn't too late for her, though.  
> Perhaps Christmas truly was a time for miracles.  
> Perhaps all she needed was… a little push.
> 
>  
> 
> Six chapters. Two people.
> 
> And also a couple of things to make things clear: JJ is still a media liason, she's with Will, Henry is 2; Haley is dead, Jack is 6, Hotch is alone. Oh, and Emily is with David, because fuck you, that's why. ;)
> 
> Here we go!

**One: The overture.**

* * *

 

This wasn’t what her life had supposed to look like, JJ thought as she readied herself for bed. Plopping onto the edge of the bathtub, she sighed heavily, mindlessly playing with her long hair.

This, this life, wasn’t what she had imagined her future to be, and she was tired, and she just didn’t know what to _do_.

She had Henry. He was the best thing to ever happen to her and she wouldn’t change a thing as far as he was concerned. Not a single one. But putting her child first was the reason why she found herself in this situation – stuck in a loveless relationship, with a man whom she respected and adored, but whom she didn’t love, not at all. She had thought she loved him, she had thought it was for the best when the team had finally found out about them, and she had been over the moon when she had found out they were going to be parents.

When a long-distance relationship turns into a full-time relationship, things change. And in the case of JJ and Will, they had changed for the worse. With every passing month she had become more and more frustrated, little things about Will would tick her off immediately, and at first she had thought it was because of the pregnancy, but when Henry was born and they kept on quarrelling, she knew it wasn’t merely hormones.

They just weren’t meant to be.

Nonetheless, Henry’s happiness was the most important thing for them, and they had silently – JJ guessed, having never really addressed their problems – agreed to just… be together. No fights, no complaints, no nagging, no romance, just two parents trying their goddamned best to make sure that their kid would grow up in a normal family.

And it was good; JJ had been so relieved to finally stop kidding herself and try to make things work between them. There were nights… however… usually after an exhausting day, be it at the BAU or at home with a fussy two-year-old, when JJ liked to lock herself in the bathroom and just let herself be sad for a bit. Sulk a little, maybe. To mourn the wasted time, to mourn her lack of things to look forward to, things that weren’t connected with Henry. To mourn the lack of romance, lack of sex, lack of intimacy. She felt reduced to the role of a mom and it hurt.

Tonight was one of these nights.

What hurt her the most, JJ thought, was the painful awareness that there was someone out there. Someone who had offered her everything, who had said that he could be hers if only she wanted him.

She _had_ wanted him. But she couldn’t do it.

And perhaps if he’d never said the word, everything would be easier. But he had. She knew he _existed_.

Her life was such a joke. A tactless one, too.

Chuckling humourlessly, JJ stood up and not glancing into the mirror left the bathroom. She found Will already in their bed, reading a book; he didn't even blink when she closed the bathroom door behind her.

“Are you still reading that crime story?” JJ asked, shaking her head.

“Sure I am. And it's been great so far, so I can totally let you read it once I'm finished.”

“No, thanks. I've got enough of this at work,” she laughed, laying down next to Will. “Any exciting plans for tomorrow?”

“Nah,” he replied. “We'll go to the park, probably, like always. Play a little. Perhaps the wee one will go one day without throwing a temper tantrum.”

“He's such a little terrorist,” JJ mused. “I mean–“ She gasped, realising what she'd just said. She shouldn't call her own son that, especially considering what she did for a living.

“I know what you mean, Jayje, relax! He sure is. We'll make a good, honest man outta him, though, don't you worry.” Will chuckled.

“Are you sure you're okay with not going to the party Penelope's throwing tomorrow night?” JJ asked, looking at him expectedly.

“Positive. For one we really don't have anyone to stay with Henry and I think I'm not comfortable leaving him with a stranger just yet. In a year or so, sure, I'd like to go back to work. But for now I really like spending days with him. Besides, you deserve to go out and have fun with your friends. I'll go out with mine some other time and it'll be your turn to take care of our little man.”

JJ nodded. “I just wanted to make sure. I spend enough time away from you two, so I needed you to tell me it was okay for me to leave you again.”

“We understand, Jayje. Are you going to sleep now? I really wanna finish this chapter tonight.”

“Sure. Good night, Will.”

“Night, night,” he replied somewhat mindlessly, already focused entirely on the book he was holding.

Closing her eyes, JJ smiled sadly.

Content. That was it. She was content and Will was a very important person to her.

Nothing more. _An important person_ , with whom she was going to spend the rest of her life.

* * *

_“Jennifer?” She hears someone call. She's confused. Not sure what's happening, who is calling her, or even where she is._

_She looks around and all she sees is white. White walls, white floors, white furniture. There's a window, too, but there's only blinding light coming from it._

_Is she dead? She can't be. She remembers talking to Will just a moment ago, she recalls putting Henry to bed... She can't be dead._

_Can she?_

_Did she die in her sleep?_

_She was too young to die, for pity's sake. She might be disenchanted with her life, but she didn't want it to end._

_If she's not dead, JJ promises, she'll never ever complain about it. Seriously._

_God damn it, is she dead?!_

_“Am I dead?” She asks out loud, hoping someone will answer._

_“You're not dead, relax,” she hears the voice again. “You're only sleeping.”_

_“Well, thank God, then. Who am I talking to? This is the weirdest dream ever and I really want to wake up,” JJ grumbles._

_“You'll wake up in six hours, no worries.”_

_“That answers only a small part of my question.”_

_“Impatient, are we?”_

_“I just don't feel like playing games with my own mind. Who am I talking to? Am I talking to, like, my brain?!”_

_“You could say that, yes. You're talking to the subconscious part of you.”_

_“This entire thing sucks, you know?”_

_“It's necessary. You have to listen to me, Jennifer.”_

_“It's not like I've got much choice,” JJ shrugs._

_“You've been miserable lately. You're full of regrets and sadness. And you don't have to be. There is a very simple solution to the situation in which you found yourself. You're just too stubborn and honourable to realise that. Telling you what you've got to do to free yourself wouldn't do much good either. You're too obstinate to even consider it, and you'd try to show me I’m wrong just out of spite. Therefore this... this entire undertaking... is very much necessary.”_

_JJ just stands there, more confused than ever before._

_“I don't understand.”_

_“For the next three consecutive nights, I'll show you three different things. I'll show you your past, present, and future.”_

_“You're going full Dickens on me now? This must be a joke.”_

_“It's almost Christmas. This is my only chance to talk some sense into you. Why not use Dickens?”_

_JJ shakes her head._

_“It's probably a one-time thing, anyway. Hopefully, I'll wake up and I won't remember a thing, and I'll never be stuck here ever again.”_

_“You seem to be forgetting that your subconscious is as stubborn as your awareness.”_

_This is ridiculous and even though she's apparently sleeping she realises that._

_First of all, she hasn't got the slightest idea as to what her... subconscious is trying to make her understand, and she doesn't know how it's going to play out. After all, dreams appearing in a sequence are a very rare thing._

_It's bullshit._

_It has to be._

* * *

When she woke up in the morning, she was absolutely certain that it was just a stupid dream. After all, it didn't even finish properly; she remembered thinking about how absurd the entire thing had been and next thing she knew she was in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, wondering if she was losing her mind.

Her alarm clock went off, pulling her out of her stupor. Will mumbled his usual “stay safe, Jayje” and got back to sleep.

And as she readied herself to work, she couldn't help but wonder if she would be visited by her... subconscious again.

This buffoonery sparked her curiosity, even though it was absolutely insane.


	2. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BAU spends some quality time together, JJ gets drunk, and the past re-visits her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos, I sure hope you're enjoying the ride! :)  
>   
> [JJ's attire](https://36.media.tumblr.com/e0733312f10e136475d2f6ed17a89bfb/tumblr_nyy6dwdum91qe4w1ko1_500.png)

**Two: The past. (06/12/2015)**

* * *

 

One of the best things about the BAU was that the five days leading up to Christmas Day were spent in Quantico. No new cases were taken, the team used this time to catch up on paperwork, and sociopaths had to wait – the team deserved to spend Christmas with their loved ones.

JJ busied herself looking through new case files and trying to sort them, to be sure where to go next once Christmas was over. She didn't really have time to dwell on the events that had taken place the previous night, which was probably for the better, as it was just _ludicrous._

Garcia stopped only once, making sure JJ would be present at the party. JJ of course knew she couldn't possibly turn the invitation down if she tried – which she hadn't – because she was pretty certain Garcia would somehow engage the entire SWAT team in the mission of kidnapping her from her own house and dropping her off by Penelope's place.

Therefore, JJ nodded cheerfully when asked, and couldn't help but chuckle when Garcia beamed back at her.

“It's gonna be so amazing, Jayje! I've got the entire house decorated with Christmas lights and colourful balls, and more lights, and with little Santas... I'm telling you, I'm unstoppable this year!”

“Aren't you always, though?”

“I really don't want to brag, but...”

JJ laughed, shaking her head.

“Everybody's going to be there, too,” Penelope continued. “Rossi and Emily, Morgan – and I invited Jordan, because, hey, a little bit of match-making never hurt anybody; then there's Kevin, obviously, and you and Hotch.”

JJ coughed.

“I thought Hotch wasn't too fond of parties?”

“He said he'd love to spend some quality time with actual adults before diving into Christmas celebrations with a 6-year-old.”

“That's nice,” JJ nodded.

“Is everything okay? Did you two have a fight, or something? You seem to be avoiding one another.”

“That's nonsense,” JJ waved her hand dismissively. “I mean, I go to him with new cases every single day, we talk all the time.”

“But not like you used to.”

“People drift apart. That's natural.”

“If you say so.” Garcia shrugged and JJ was half glad, half shocked that she let it go so easily.

“So, what are we going to do tonight?” JJ asked, changing the subject.

“Drink as much booze as we possibly can, obviously. Sing some Christmas songs, possibly. Laugh a lot and have lots of fun, hopefully.”

JJ smiled. “Sounds like a plan!”

“7pm. Don't be late, Princess!”

Avoiding Hotch while appearing not to be doing so at the party was going to be much more difficult than JJ had originally thought, apparently.

* * *

“How do I look?” JJ turned on her heel to face Will who had just entered the bedroom with little Henry in his arms.

“Gorgeous, as always. Isn't your mommy the prettiest mommy ever?” He asked Henry who just giggled adorably in response, making both parents smile.

JJ turned back to the mirror, once again checking her appearance. She chose to wear a short cobalt dress with sleeves made entirely of lace. Not wanting to overdo it, she put only a little bit of mascara on and ever so slightly curled her hair. For a moment she considered wearing flats, but honestly, she hadn't been putting much effort in looking good ever since Henry was born and she felt bad about it. Sure, she was in good shape, she dressed in accordance with what was expected from a media liaison, but she didn't care as much as she used to. She felt like she had no one to impress. And that was horrible, because what she was saying was that Henry made her _lazy_. And that wasn't the case; she just didn’t have that much time anymore.

So, tonight was a perfect opportunity to feel like a woman again. That's why she decided to wear the highest pumps she owned.

“Just call me when you're done partying. We'll come and pick you up.” She heard Will say as she walked down the stairs to put on her coat. Emily and Rossi were already outside, waiting for her.

“You're sweet.”

“I sure am. Have fun, Jayje.” Will made Henry give her a little wave, which made her chuckle.

And that was it. That's how her boyfriend of three years was saying good-bye to her – by waving his son's hand at her.

Which was nice, she meant it. Cute.

But that was not what she imagined her life would be like, _god damn it_.

* * *

As she exited the car, she was laughing so hard she feared all her make-up would be gone before anyone even saw her. She couldn't help it, though; Emily and Rossi were a match made in heaven and the amount of sassy banter between them was too much for her.

“See? This is why we aren't on speaking terms fifty percent of the time.”

“Maybe it will change when Emily becomes the fourth Mrs Rossi?” JJ mused, arching her brow at Dave.

“Over my dead body,” Prentiss grumbled.

“What she said,” Rossi nodded, laughing. “No more weddings.”

“This is the one thing that we agree on. And you, JJ? Are you and Will planning on...?” Emily asked.

“Nope.” JJ shook her head furiously. “Not now. Probably not ever.”

“Hmm.”

“Don't 'hmm' me, Emily,” JJ chuckled. “Please, let's drop this? I don't want Garcia to hear us... She won't let me live.”

“Sure, no problem,” Prentiss nodded.

JJ smiled, clearly relieved. The whole engagement thing was a very touchy subject. She couldn't, simply could not, find it in herself to even consider marrying Will. Being the way they were was difficult enough at times. No need to complicate it even further and put unnecessary labels on them.

Penelope wasn't kidding when she said she was unstoppable this year; the house looked–-

“It looks as if Santa Claus himself threw up in here,” Rossi commented.

-– exactly like that.

“Be nice, Garcia did this all for us! Now smile and mingle, people, smile and mingle,” Emily ordered.

“Yes, ma'am!” JJ nodded.

There were about twenty people present, mostly their colleagues from the FBI and some friends of Penelope and Kevin's from the “outside”, so to say. It didn't take long for them to notice Morgan and Reid.

“My, my, Agent Jareau!” Derek whistled. “You look fantastic!”

“Thank you,” JJ chuckled, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Seriously, it's a shame the FBI don't let you wear shorter dresses, because, man―”

“I don't think Will would appreciate you saying this,” Reid interrupted before Morgan could finish his comment, for which JJ was thankful. Suddenly, she felt very self conscious about her appearance.

“I'm sorry,” Morgan laughed. “You look beautiful, though.”

“Thanks again,” she replied. “Are you two alone? Where's the rest of the team?”

“Well, Garcia and her lover boy are getting the booze, you guys are here, and Hotch's yet to arrive.”

“He's not here?” JJ squeaked, before she could stop herself. Now everyone was eyeing her suspiciously and she cursed herself under her breath. “I mean, it'd be a shame if he couldn't make it.”

“I am sure it would be.” Rossi nodded solemnly. JJ didn't want to say anything more, but she knew he was implying something improper.

“Speaking of the devil...” Reid gestured at something behind JJ's back. She turned around and a soft smile spread across her face, because it was always – always – nice to see Hotch. Period. Seeing Hotch wear something else than his usual suit and tie was even nicer. He looked especially becoming tonight in a beige rollneck and dark jeans.

She felt bad, but it wasn't like she was blind; she _had to_ appreciate other men’s beauty. His, for example. And god only knew how many female – and male – FBI agents were openly crushing on her boss.

What she didn't approve of was the fact that he didn't exactly look like a man who wanted to have a blast. This shouldn't be surprising, as everyone would unanimously agree that Hotch was always super serious and uptight, and getting a chuckle out of him was nearly impossible.

She knew it wasn't true and that's what made her so worried. Even more so, she knew that _she_ was the reason he was apparently feeling uneasy.

Scanning the crowd Hotch found his team within a few seconds and soon was heading their way, and – JJ noted – tried his best not to meet her eyes.

 _Damn_.

“Christmas cheer, Hotch!” Rossi called when he knew his friend could hear him.

“Yeah, right back at'cha,” he nodded. “It's nice to see you all. Where's our host?”

“Still making us her special Christmas cocktails,” Morgan replied. “I sure hope we're gonna get smashed tonight!”

“I'll personally check if you're on time at work tomorrow, Agent Morgan,” Hotch shook his head, smirking.

“We should have tomorrow off.” Derek grumbled.

“Keep dreaming, Hot Chocolate!” They heard Garcia laugh behind them. “I brought you my specialty, Santa Claus's cocktails!”

“They're very red,” Reid eyed them suspiciously.

“That's kinda the point!” Penelope giggled. “They're marvellous, and we've got plenty of them, so just have fun, you guys!”

“Cheers!”

* * *

A few hours later, JJ found Hotch sitting on one of the sofas in the living room, quietly sipping on his drink. Hesitating only for a moment, she sat down next to him and bit on her lip, waiting for him to turn and look at her.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Sure. You should go and party with the rest.”

“They're fine. Garcia and Kevin are busy making out, Reid, Prentiss and Rossi are having a blast talking mad shit about everybody, and Morgan... Well, Morgan is trying his best to finally swoon Todd off her feet, but the girl is _good_.”

Hotch barked a laugh.

“I can see he's getting frustrated.”

“They're gonna become an item tonight. I can feel it. And what about you? Why are you not with Rossi?”

“I needed a quiet moment.”

“Hotch, will you look at me?” It took him a moment, but he finally did. _God, she missed him._ “I know you're not exactly comfortable with me being here as well, but I really hoped that that conversation wouldn't hurt us. And it did. And I understand it if you're angry with me, but you have got to cheer up, I'm afraid. The team are getting frustrated with your mood swings.”

“What do you mean?” He furrowed his brows, clearly not knowing what she was talking about. “I'm a fucking delight.”

She blinked.

And blinked again.

He wasn't being ironic. He was being _serious_.

JJ snorted in the most unladylike manner, and Hotch chuckled.

“Let's go and mingle, then,” he said. “For the record, I'm not uncomfortable with you being here. Whatever. You look beautiful, by the way.”

She actually blushed.

“Thank you,” JJ smiled before standing up and offering Hotch her hand.

He didn't take it.

And it hurt.

Trying not to let it show, she turned on her heel and headed towards the rest of the team. She knew he was right behind her, but she didn't look back.

It was all her fault, she knew, but she was _furious_ that he just couldn't understand where she was coming from.

Their friendship – or whatever it was that had existed between them – was clearly over.

* * *

She was _so damn drunk_ , JJ giggled as she got under the covers. Will had already fallen asleep – he had gone to bed as soon as they had got back home, saying he was dead tired after the entire day spent with Henry.

She had managed to change into something more pyjamas-like and get rid of all make-up before plopping down on her side of their bed.

She couldn't help but smile as she recalled the rest of her evening. Everybody had been drunk, Jordan and Derek couldn't stop kissing, Hotch and Rossi had shared so many hilarious stories with them that JJ's stomach still hurt from laughing so hard, and overall, the party was a success.

They were going to regret it so much tomorrow at work.

She didn't even realise when she fell asleep as well.

* * *

_“Do you like Christmas?” JJ hears._

_Oh no no no no, she's here again. In that weird, bright place, in which she was told she would find herself again, but she didn't believe it, and yes, it is happening!_

_God damn it._

_“You're quite drunk,” the voice of her... subconscious mind tells her. This is ridiculous, she wants to wake up already. “But I do hope you'll remember the gist of what I'm about to show you. So, Jennifer. Do you like Christmas?”_

_“I do,” JJ grumbles. “I mean, I used to love it. But I'm not a child anymore.”_

_“Funny you should say that.”_

_“Say what?”_

_“Both things.”_

_She's confused again. Her own brain confuses her._

_Is it a brain tumor?!_

_“You're not sick, JJ, just asleep.”_

_“This is still the dumbest thing to ever happen to me.”_

_The voice doesn't answer, but to JJ's shock, the bright, white room suddenly is filled with colours, shapes, everything becomes clearer and clearer, and before she can get even more dumbfounded, she recognises the place she's at now._

_“Oh God,” a sob escapes her throat. “That's my sister!”_

_“And you,” the voice adds._

_They're both there, dancing in front of the Christmas tree. She must be no more than seven, and she suddenly remembers this particular Christmas. They had so much fun, they sang, decorated the tree, and JJ recalls that later that evening, as she would be sitting snuggled against her mother's side, her little arms wrapped around her sister, she would wish..._

_“What did you wish for that night?”_

_“I...”_

_“Just say it.”_

_“I hoped I would stay this happy forever.”_

_“And did you?”_

_“I...”_

_“We both know the answer, JJ. You wanted t be happy, that was your only wish. And you did – and still are doing – nothing to make this wish come true.”_

_How can she be happy? Her sister is dead, she isn’t that close with her parents anymore, as they can’t stand the fact that she and Will are still not married, and everything that she so naively wished for just… isn’t meant to happen to her._

_“At least my son will be happy. That's enough for me.”_

_“Is it? And, will he? We'll see about it.”_

_“What do you mean?” She asks, alarmed._

_“That's something for another night, JJ. Sleep tight. And I'll talk to you tomorrow.”_


	3. The Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BAU recovers from the party, and JJ sleeps a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! I know you thank for comments, not ask for them, but I wouldn't be mad if you told me what you think... ;)

**Three: The present. (12/12/2015)**

* * *

 

The next day at the BAU was filled with everybody hushing up one another and loud groans that indicated that people were in excruciating pain.

Morgan nearly passed out when he heard Hotch’s booming voice in his ear asking him why he was late first thing in the morning.

Garcia’s blood must have been 80% coffee at this point. Kevin Lynch called in sick.

Rossi and Prentiss had the alarms in their phones go off every thirty minutes so as not to fall asleep over their case files.

Hotch was seemingly unaffected by the amounts of alcohol he had consumed the previous night, whereas Doctor Reid was unusually chatty which only pissed everyone off. No one should be so chirpy when the rest were half-dead.

They were a mess. Which meant the party had been extremely successful.

When JJ left her office around midday, she chuckled weakly at the sight of her battered and bruised team – who knew alcohol could be more deadly than their Unsubs – but she immediately regretted doing that because her head was _killing_ her.

“I want to go home,” Emily groaned. “When can we go home?”

“In three hours and twenty three minutes,” Reid replied, smiling at her with sympathy. “I’m really sorry, Emily.”

“I want to set myself on fire,” she moaned. “I really do.”

“Me, too,” JJ chipped in. “I just don’t think I have the strength to do so.”

Everyone nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. JJ couldn’t help but sneak a peek and see how their boss was holding on, and she furrowed her brows when she saw a blonde woman sitting in his office. She couldn’t see her face, but she was talking to Hotch animatedly, and JJ had to admit she didn’t like it very much. He was smiling a lot, listening to her.

She hadn’t seen that in a while.

Jealousy was an ugly, green-eyed monster who was extremely unwelcome, given the situation in which JJ and Hotch had found themselves. She had to squash this feeling.

“Hey, who’s in there with Hotch?” She asked.

“Jessica brought Jack to see his dad. Apparently, Santa Claus himself visited his class today and little Jack couldn’t wait to tell Hotch what he had brought him,” Derek told her.

That made sense. She felt bad for being jealous of Jessica, of all people. On the other hand, how could she not be? Hotch hadn’t spent that much time with her in over three months. Missing her… friend could make one behave a little unreasonably.

“Aren’t you going to take these sunglasses off when you talk to me?” JJ asked Derek, trying to stop dwelling on that.

“No way in hell.”

“Stop drinking alcohol if you can’t handle a small party, then.”

“You’re the one to talk, Agent Jareau. You took a nap in your office. I saw it.”

 _Busted_.

“Pics or it didn’t happen.” JJ lifted her chin defensively.

“Mailing them to Hotch as we speak. You drooled.”

“You should turn your computer on first, then.”

“Check and mate,” Prentiss whistled, suddenly more awake.

“We’ll see, we will see!” Morgan muttered, trying to conceal his smile.

The door to Hotch’s office suddenly opened and everyone looked up to see Jessica, Jack, and Hotch heading their way.

“Miss Jareau!” Jack screamed when he noticed JJ. She didn’t care how much it hurt – a wide smile spread across her face, seeing how excited he was to see her. Jack broke into a run and moments later he was standing in front of JJ, reaching for her to pick him up. She knelt down immediately and he squeezed her neck as hard as he could.

Her heart broke a little. It always did.

The day Haley had died and Hotch had found Jack hiding from The Reaper, he had asked Jack to leave the house with her. She had picked him up and hugged him close, and Jack – even though he’d understood very little of what had been happening around him – just wouldn’t let go. They had sat there, hugging, for ages and he had refused to move until Hotch had come to them and had taken Jack in his arms. Ever since then, whenever Jack would see JJ, he’d imitate this scene – he wanted his hugs and JJ always complied. The bond that had formed between them that day was special for them both.

Without hesitation, JJ took Jack in her arms and standing up, said, “I missed you, Jack!”

“I missed you, too,” he replied, nuzzling her hair.

“I heard you talked to Santa Claus today,” she continued.

“I did! It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow!”

“It sure is. How was it? Did he tell you whether or not he’d give me a present this year?”

“Were you naughty or nice?” Jack asked, lifting his head and looking at her with raised eyebrows.

Morgan snorted.

JJ shot Derek a glare, before answering, “Of course I was nice!”

“I believe you. You’ll get your gift.”

“Thank you, Jack.”

“It’s time to go home now, Jack,” Hotch’s voice interrupted them softly. “Daddy has to go to the meeting shortly, so Aunt Jessica will take care of you.”

“Can’t I stay with Miss JJ?”

“No—“

“He could, though,” JJ replied. “Your meeting won’t take more than an hour and we’re all going home in, like, three, so I could take care of Jack. You two could leave together.”

“I don’t think—“

“Please, Daddy?” Jack whined. “Aunt Jessica can go Christmas shopping. I’m too tired to be chasing her.”

JJ knew Hotch had probably killed her at least three times in his head already, but the need to spend some time with Jack surprised even her.

“Alright. Just be good, okay? Jessica, I’ll walk you out.”

The blonde smiled and waved at everyone, and JJ encouraged Jack to thank his aunt for bringing him here.

With Hotch and Jessica gone, JJ winked at Jack, saying, “Come on, let’s check if there’s ice-cream in the fridge before your dad’s back.”

The boy cheered loudly, breaking into giggles when she placed a loud kiss on his neck. As they were walking away, Derek called after them, “Jack, just make sure to tell your dad if she falls asleep on you!”

“Stuff it, Morgan! Don’t listen to him, Jack.”

* * *

JJ stirred awake when she felt someone gently tap her on the arm. She blinked, trying to remember where she was, when she saw Hotch’s face hovering above her.

She’s gotta still be dreaming, then.

“JJ, I’m going to take Jack home now. You can leave now, too; everybody’s already gone. We’re meeting here tomorrow at 10, we’ll wish each other Merry Christmas and then you’re all free.”

Not a dream, then.

She nodded, smiling at Jack, who was sleeping soundly, snuggled against her side. They had had so much fun; they’d eaten ice-cream while watching _A Christmas Carol_ on her phone – the _irony!_ – and then must’ve fallen asleep on the couch in her office.

“Okay,” she answered.

Hotch lifted his son’s sleeping form from the sofa and said, “Thank you for taking care of him. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” she replied.

She knew he had to be upset about it; she shouldn’t have offered to do that. She knew Hotch would be uncomfortable with this idea, yet the need to please his son forced him to agree.

“I’m sorry I pushed it today. I just wanted to spend some time with him.”

He seemed like he wanted say something else, but ultimately decided to stay quiet. Nodding, Hotch bade her goodbye, leaving her alone in her office. Sighing, JJ stood up and gathered her things.

It was time to go home to Henry.

* * *

_She should’ve seen it coming, yet she’s a bit surprised the dreaming thing continues. It’s still super annoying._

_“So, what do you have for me tonight?” She asks tauntingly. “It’s time for me to see the present, right? That should be interesting.”_

_She’s terrified, to be honest. Even though being hungover made it easier for her to forget about the previous dream, she is still quite shaken up. Seeing her sister hurt. A lot. She’s scared that whatever her subconscious shows her next will only make it worse._

_The entire thing was supposed to make her happy this Christmas. So far, it sucked._

_The room starts to change and JJ knows it’s coming; she tries to close her eyes, although it’s impossible, it seems._

_She is sleeping, after all._

_She frowns when she sees Emily and Dave. They’re at Rossi’s place, exchanging gifts. They’re not saying anything, but the look they share, the absolute love that she can see in their eyes… It makes her want to turn around, as if it’s too intimate a moment for her to witness._

_“What do you see, JJ?” Her subconscious asks._

_JJ tilts her head, thinking. Looking at them, seeing Emily unwrap her necklace. The joy. The…_

_“Happiness. I see happiness.”_

_They disappear._

_Before she can inquire it any further, she finds herself at Garcia’s place. She and Kevin are doing some kind of a Christmas karaoke contest; their version of “Baby, it’s cold outside” is probably the worst one she’s ever seen, yet it’s one of the most perfect things she’s experienced. It’s_ them _._

_“Here? What do you see here?”_

_“Happiness. Joy. Elation.”_

_“Do you see love?”_

_“I do,” JJ nods. Without a doubt._

_“And here?” Garcia and Lynch melt away. “What do you see here?”_

_JJ notices a TV with Jack and Haley on the screen, and she knows what this is, and they’re both so happy… She can also see Jack and Hotch on the couch, watching the video, and they’re both so…_

_Sad. And yet, so at peace with everything._

_Hotch’s eyes are glistering with unshed tears and JJ notices that, too._

_“He misses his wife,” she muses._

_“He does. Every day. But he was ready to love again. You know that, right?”_

_“I do,” JJ whispers. Does she ever._

_And then… Then she sees her and Will. Sitting in their living room, both reading their own books, not even bothering to pretend to be happy. They’re quietly ignoring each other, even though they couldn’t have had an argument._

_They don’t quarrel. You’d have to have some stronger feelings for the other person to feel the need to argue._

_“Oh, God,” JJ cries out. “Will. I haven’t got Will a gift!”_

_“Why?”_

_“I… I don’t know. It slipped my mind.”_

_“Did it? Have you got a gift for Spencer?”_

_“I have.”_

_“And for Emily?”_

_“Yes…”_

_“And… for Jack?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“And you forgot about your boyfriend?”_

_“What kind of a person does that?” JJ whimpers._

_“An unhappy one.”_


	4. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer knows, JJ dreams, and she finally knows what she wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honest to God, this chapter feels so important to me? I really, really do hope you like it and are not disappointed with how this story is going. Thank you for your endless support!

**Four : The future. (19/12/2015)**

* * *

 

“So, how long have you been in love with Hotch?” Spencer broke the comfortable silence, smiling widely at Henry, who’d thrown his teddy bear at him. The boy had a very good aim. Good genes.

It was Christmas Eve and Will was in a pub with some friends; she couldn’t be sure, she hadn’t really listened to what he’d said to her. Reid had stopped by soon after Will’d left, with a few gifts for his godson. He hadn’t meant to stay for so long, but when he’d sat down with Henry, he couldn’t force himself to leave him and JJ alone. They had been quietly playing with the little one, sipping on their hot drinks, so this sudden question was totally unexpected and took her by surprise.

“What?” JJ stiffened, blinking rapidly and trying to come up with a suitable response.

“Are you seriously going to deny it now?” He asked, lifting his brow.

“I am, because I have no idea why you’d say something like that. I’m with Will, we have a son together, so you implying that I have feelings for my boss is kind of…” She started to ramble.

“It’s the truth. Everybody knows you’ve had a crush on him for god knows how long. And everybody knows that something happened between the two of you which seems to have ruined your friendship. We just don’t know what it was. But today, as you were giving Hotch your gifts for him and Jack… It actually hurt to witness that. You love him. That’s why I don’t understand why you’re still with Will.”

JJ was actually rendered speechless. She didn’t know what to do, how to defend her relationship with Will. She was well aware that the team have spotted the difference in her relations with Hotch, as they’d ask about it every so often and she would dismiss it without hesitation every time, but Reid was the first one to call her out on her bullshit.

And she did not know how to act now.

“Your hands were shaking, JJ,” Spencer continued. That was true. They had. “You were on the verge of tears.” Also true; she had tried not to, but she had failed miserably to act nonchalant about her interaction with Hotch. She had wanted to apologise, to beg him to be her friend again. To forgive her for how she’d hurt him. “And he loves you, too, you know. He’s just… trying to mask it very well.”

“I know,” she whispered, blinking the tears away.

“What exactly do you know? That he loves you or that he’s trying not to let it show?”

“I am the one who destroyed our friendship, Spence. I was bitter and disdainful, and basically called him an idiot for feeling the way he did. You can’t do that to a person. You can’t just ridicule one’s feelings and expect nothing to change in your relationship.”

“You were probably trying to do the right thing.” Reid squeezed her hand, trying his best to comfort her. “Maybe it’s not too late to fix this?”

“There’s nothing left for us to fix.” JJ shook her head. “What’s done is done. I have Will, Henry, you guys. I’ll be fine.”

“Will he?”

“I sure hope so. He deserves that.”

“Oh, JJ,” Reid sighed heavily. “I’ll support you no matter what. But you should probably think this through once again.”

“I tell myself I did what I had to do every damn day, otherwise I’d go insane. Please, just… Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“That you’re in love with Hotch?”

He was pushing her and she knew that. But JJ was so fed up with desperately trying not to admit to that, she gave in without any struggle.

“Yeah.”

Smiling sadly, Spencer gave Henry his teddy bear back so that the boy could throw it at his head again. JJ laughed tearfully, shaking her head at her son’s enthusiasm.

“I didn’t want to make you sad, Jayje,” Reid said, sounding apologetic.

“You didn’t. I’m making myself sad.”

* * *

If the nonsense was to continue, tonight was time to see her future, JJ thought as she tried to get comfortable in her bed.

The Christmas meeting at the BAU, the conversation with Spencer, the previous dreams, it’d all put her in a funny mood, sort of nostalgic and melancholic, and she sincerely hoped that she’d feel better tomorrow; Henry deserved it. Will did, too.

Closing her eyes, she sighed deeply. She was more than ready for these horrible dreams to be over.

* * *

_“Remember when you said that by staying with Will, you were making sure your son’s childhood would be happy and safe?”_

_JJ shudders when she hears the familiar voice. So it starts again._

_“I do, yes,” she replies._

_“You were right.”_

_She gasps._

_This, she did not expect._

_“I was?” JJ squeaks. “Oh… Oh God, this is actually… This such a great news. I knew… I knew I did the right thing.”_

_She feels happy, relieved; she now knows that these moments when she feels lost, when she feels hurt… They’ll all have been worth it in the end._

_The colours around her change and she knows what’s coming; she blinks when she finds herself in her living room._

_She sees Will. There’s a picture of him standing on the bookshelf. She sees many pictures of Henry there, too._

_She sees herself, sitting on the sofa, watching TV. She looks older. Tired. Miserable. There is a beautiful Christmas tree standing behind her, the house smells… It smells like gingerbread cookies._

_Why is she sad, then?_

_“Where’s Will?”_

_“Working the case. Somewhere in New York, I guess.”_

_“He’s in New York?”_

_“He’s where he’s needed.”_

_“And where’s Henry?” She asks. “Why isn’t he here with me?”_

_“Henry’s a teenager, JJ. He loves you, you two made sure his childhood was filled with happiness and laughter, but you’re not the only person in the world for him anymore. He’s with his friends, having fun. He doesn’t need his parents that much anymore.”_

_“I could invite Penelope over, then. Or Emily. Or Spence. Why am I alone?”_

_“They have their own families. They want to spend some quality time together at Christmas.”_

_“That figures,” she sighs. “Well, where’s Hotch? Is he… With his new family?”_

_The colours and shapes, everything gets blurry again, and the next thing she knows JJ’s standing in Hotch’s empty house. There are no Christmas lights there. No Christmas tree either. No clothes scattered around. No knick-knacks._

_“It looks like no one even lives here anymore.”_

_The silence is her answer._

_“Where’s Hotch?” JJ asks, mildly alarmed._

_“He’s moved away.”_

_“Moved away? How come? Hotch would never leave the BAU!”_

_“Think about it, JJ. You basically told him to leave you alone. He wasn’t getting any younger either. He retired, moved away with Jack. Never looked back. Had no reason to.”_

_“What about Rossi? Don’t they stay in touch?”_

_“They do. There’s no reason for Rossi to tell you how Hotch is doing, though, now, is there?”_

_“You mean to tell me… That one day… I’ll be alone. And Hotch… He’ll not be there? He’ll no longer be in my life?”_

_“You didn’t want him in your life, Jennifer.”_

_The world spins around her._

_She feels sick._

* * *

JJ hadn’t been aware she’d been actually sobbing until she was brought back into awareness by Will pulling her into his arms, softly muttering calming words into her hair.

“Shh, shhh, it’s okay,” she heard him say. JJ did try her best to pull herself together, but she _couldn’t breathe_ , couldn’t _speak_ , couldn’t _think_ straight; the image of her lonely, miserable life was still vivid in her mind, and she knew – she just knew – that she had to do everything in her power not to become that person.

And not to lose Hotch.

“Are you okay?” Will asked when she finally stopped weeping. JJ still couldn’t stop shaking, but at least she could find her voice now.

“I am,” she replied. “No, I’m not, actually.” She broke free from Will’s embrace, switched on the lamp on her nightstand and sat up so that she could look Will in the eye. “We have to break up.”

“What did you just say?” He squinted, sitting up as well.

She couldn’t take these words back, now. Nor did she want to. But she did get momentarily scared of what was going to happen next; she was about to become a single mother working full-time, and possibly embark on a custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend and then explain to their two-year-old son why mommy didn’t love daddy anymore. He’d probably end up hating her. They both would

Which was just bloody peachy.

“I said we have to break up,” she repeated firmly.

“Oh, thank God,” Will cried out, a wide grin spreading across his face.

“Wait, what?” JJ exclaimed, not sure what was going on. This reaction, she didn’t expect. Screams, curses, threats, yes. But this? Never.

“I thought I misheard you. But you did say we had to break up. To which I replied with ‘oh, thank god.’ Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to sound so relieved, but relieved, I am.” He chuckled. _Fucking chuckled, in actual fact!_

“What?” She repeated incredulously. “You’re happy we’re breaking up?”

“Aren’t you?”

“I am heartbroken!” She screeched.

“Jennifer, you know I adore you. I will always be grateful that you’ve given me Henry. I love him more than life. But we’re not working out. There’s a reason why you didn’t want us to get married. We’re not meant to be together. We don’t talk, we spend time together just for Henry. There hasn’t been any romance in our life whatsoever since after he was born. I would never leave you, Jayje, I wouldn’t. I would be perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with you, and I’d never give you any reason to doubt my fidelity and support. But if you want us to split and work things out without committing to one another… Then I’m _more_ than fine with it.”

She couldn’t find words.

“You… You are?”

“I really, really am. You see… there is this woman… She’s a single mom, I met her in the park one day when you were away. When the kids are playing, we kill time talking to each other. You know, it’s nice to talk to another adult every so often. And she’s really… she’s incredible, actually. But I was telling you the truth when I said I would never, ever cheat on you. I knew it was purely platonic. But if we, you and I, decided to be friends and raise Henry as such… Then, perhaps, you know. I could find my happiness with her. Or someone else. I don’t know, it’s not like I could foresee us breaking up!” He laughed.

“Oh, Will,” she sobbed, all but throwing herself at him. “I am so happy right now. Happier than I’ve been in a very long time. I’ll always love you, but you deserve a woman that’ll be head over heels in love with you. You’ve got my blessing!”

He laughed heartily again, squeezing her petite form tight.

“You have it, too.”

When she finally let him go and sat up straight, she looked at the clock. It was three in the morning, and she knew where she wanted to go now, but she also realised she shouldn’t.

“There is something on your mind, I can tell. Wanna share?”

“I, ahh… There is something I need to do, but I’m not sure I ought to.”

“You go. I’ll stay with Henry. Don’t worry, you don’t need to come back any time soon.”

“Seriously? I mean, it’s nearly Christmas morning, and I’d like to stay with you guys… I mean, Henry is old enough to enjoy his gifts this year and I can’t imagine missing it…”

“JJ, Henry’s two. He doesn’t know Christmas exists yet, not really. I promise we’ll wait for you with unwrapping our gifts. We’ll go to the park and… We’ll have fun. Both of us. It’s only fair for you to have your own fun.” Will winked at her.

“You mean it?”

“I do. Go, get your man.”

“How do you—?“

“Trust me. I’ll know exactly where to find you, should the need arise.”

“Oh, I do love you, Will,” she breathed, getting up and grabbing her clothes from the drawer.

“I know, what’s not to love?” he chuckled. “I’m getting back to sleep now. Good luck, you!”

“Thanks,” she whispered.

She would need it.

%MCEPASTEBIN%


	5. The Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ goes and gets what she wants.

**Five : The choice. (22/12/2015)  
**

She was so stupid. So, so, so incredibly and utterly stupid.

She didn’t know what she was going to do, now. Standing in front of Hotch’s door at 3:30 in the morning, JJ couldn’t help but question her sanity.

There was, at best, 2% chance of him not slamming the door shut at the sight of her. And he’d be right to do so, too, JJ thought, when she remembered how she had reacted when he’d told her he loved her.

***

_[three months earlier]_

JJ had been sitting outside the bureau for what it felt like an eternity. She was staring blankly at the cars passing by, people strolling down the street, not bothered by the cold September air in the slightest.

She didn’t even notice Hotch sitting down next to her.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” He asked, startling her. She didn’t have the courage to face him, so she mumbled,

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“That’s bullshit, JJ. Something has been on your mind lately and as both your boss and your friend, I’d really like to know what it is. I want to help you, you know.”

“There’s nothing you can do to help me.”

“You’d have to tell me about that thing and only then can I decide—“

“Will proposed,” she blurted out, not letting him finish.

“What?” Hotch gasped. JJ finally looked at him, arching her eyebrow at his reaction. He seemed surprised, sure, but also a bit crushed. Scared.

Which was _exactly_ how she felt, and definitely _not_ how he should feel now.

“Will presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him. You know, the usual, boring proposal thing, you must’ve experienced one before,” she explained, her voice dripping with unnecessary sarcasm.

“You’re funny. What did you say to him?”

“I said no,” she answered.

“Oh,” he mused. “That’s good.”

“Excuse me? That’s good? Why would you say that?!” JJ didn’t even know why she got so offended; she was having second thoughts, yes, and she expected her friends to reassure her, to help her see that getting married to Will is the right thing to do. And here he was, her incredible boss whom she admired and perceived as one of her best friends, telling her she was right.

“Because… well, the hell with that,” Hotch muttered. “I love you, JJ. I’m so in love with you. The idea of you marrying someone else hurts me more than I can say,” he said quietly, taking her hand in his.

She blinked.

And blinked once more.

“Come again?”

“I’m sorry. I know the timing’s off, and I know it seems impossible right now, but just… God, just give us a chance. You know we could be good together. When Haley died, I thought I’d never feel something like this ever again. And when I realised I loved you, I was terrified. It seemed too soon. But then, Jesus, it felt so right… I wish you could see it, too.”

“But you’re my _boss_ ,” she spat. “You’ve got Jack, I’ve got Henry, and I’m in a relationship, for pity’s sake! This could never, _ever_ , work out, Hotch. We wouldn’t be able to work together! Oh God, even this very conversation could seriously hinder our relationship at the BAU. Hotch, having you in my life really means a lot to me. I can’t risk it, I just can’t even consider it. Ever.”

He laughed humourlessly. “Sure you can’t,” he muttered and left her without a word.

And JJ cried again.

**

They remained perfectly professional, JJ had to admit, and worked together without any impediments, but they hadn’t exchanged a word outside of the bureau ever since that day. Well, with the exception of the Christmas party thing. That, JJ considered a Christmas miracle.

Therefore, as she was standing there, JJ couldn’t even be sure he’d take the time to _listen_. And she wouldn’t blame him, not really.

Taking a deep breath, she raised her fist and knocked. And then kept knocking, for hours, it seemed, mindful not to wake up Jack.

She hoped Hotch would hear her.

The door finally opened, with Hotch growling, “What in the living hell could be that important—“ and then falling into a stunned silence when he saw JJ on his doorstep.

She knew she must’ve looked as if she hadn’t slept a wink in years and her face must’ve still been all swollen and gross from her sobbing feasts, but she didn’t care; all she could think about was this stunning, brilliant man in front of her and although she wasn’t particularly religious, she begged every deity that existed to make him hear her out.

“Jennifer,” he said, at last. _He never called her Jennifer_. “Couldn’t it wait until morning? Did you have to wake me up like that? I thought something was wrong,” he pointed at the gun he was holding in his left hand.

She chuckled. With the snow falling down on her she knew she was beginning to look like a big, miserable snowman, so she had to be quick about it all.

“I have to tell you something, Hotch.”

“Oh, God. Okay, at this hour? This, I gotta hear. Just chop, chop, I’m sure your boys are missing you.”

She chose to ignore his biting tone. He had every god damned right to be upset with her, and if he let her, she was willing to spend the rest of her life making all of it up to him.

“Okay, here it goes. I like to think that I’m fearless at work. I am confident, hard-working, and I can take everything working the FBA throws at me. I also pride myself on being able to juggle this career choice with being a mother. I’m a good mother, Hotch, I really am. But other than that… I’m a little lost, a little frightened, and I hate going upstream. And more than anything, I try not to make myself feel vulnerable in front of other people. But I realised that if I don’t start taking risks and don’t trust my heart, I’ll become a miserable, old lady that’s wasted her chance.

“You are this chance. You are my chance at happiness. So, I’m standing here, at,” JJ glanced at her wrist-watch, “3:45 in the morning, on December 25th, and I’m asking you… Basically, what I’m saying is, I love you and I want you to love me, too. I’ll understand if—“

She didn’t get to finish her thought.

Hotch closed the distance between them in inhuman speed and crashed his lips against hers. JJ gasped in surprise, because here she’d thought he’d throw her out, and he was kissing her, and she could not waste a second of it because it could – as well – be their first and last kiss. Ever. She recovered seconds later and kissed him back, as if there literally was no tomorrow.

As soon as it began, it was over; Hotch ceased his movements, held her head in his hands for a moment longer, and then took a few steps back.

That was it, JJ thought, that was the end of them. And she had no one but herself to blame.

She should have never tried to play house with Will. She’d done it for Henry, yes, but she should have not dragged it for so long. She shouldn’t have disregarded Hotch’s feelings so easily. She shouldn’t have been such a coward.

Could have, should have, would have.

JJ bit her lip to stop herself from letting out a sob, but she couldn’t control the tears that sprang to her eyes.

“I understand,” she managed to say, trying to keep her voice steady. She didn’t even want to look at him. “I’ll leave you alone, then.”

“I was going to invite you in, because it’s really cold outside.” JJ blinked at that. She looked up to see Hotch smiling softly at her and it didn’t make sense? Or, perhaps, it did but she just didn’t understand what was happening around her anymore?

“What are you saying, Hotch?”

“I’m saying that you can tell me the rest inside. I don’t want you to die, now, that you appear to love me.” She snorted in a very unladylike fashion. “I mean, I’d never let you die. You know I’d take a bullet for you. But right now it is particularly important that you don’t catch your death. I’m rather interested in hearing you out.”

JJ nodded and entered his house.

“Is Jack asleep?” She asked.

“Yeah, he's upstairs. He's so excited that the Santa is going to visit him that he had major troubles falling asleep, was up until after midnight. Now he's practically in a coma,” Hotch chuckled and JJ couldn't help but melt a bit at the sound of it.

It was insane, she thought. Holding her love at bay, not letting herself _see_ that he was right there, not letting herself feel anything but fear – fear that if she had let him in, her entire life would have been turned upside down. And, it now seemed, all she had to do was be honest. With herself, with Will, with Hotch. Her selfish choices, her blind obstinacy to do the _right_ thing could very well ruin the lives of four people – Henry's, too.

“And tell me, JJ. Where is your boyfriend right now?” Hotch asked, narrowing his brows.

Right, she should probably inform him about the changes that had taken place earlier that night.

“My ex-boyfriend is resting comfortably in our bed, babysitting our son, probably planning their trip to the park in which he'd been meeting with a single mother he has a crush on.”

“Will has a crush?”

“We... Will and I, we've been two friends pretending to be lovers for two years now. We lived together and took care of our child. Which we can do as friends, without that 'pretending to be lovers' part. We'll make it work. Together, but not _together_. Because he wants to be with that woman... and I want to be with you. I really, really do.”

Hotch watched her in silence.

“And what caused such a sudden change of heart?” He tilted his head, seemingly still not convinced she wasn't making fun of him.

“Deep, heart-wrenching sadness I have struggled with for the last could of months. And let's say I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past few days, and I know now what I want. And that's you.”

Silence. Again.

“I feel like this is a cruel joke,” Hotch chuckled humourlessly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I cannot believe you're here, in the middle of the night, telling me... all this. I can't process that.”

“I understand. I'm either too late, or you need some time to think. Should I leave?” JJ asked, feeling absolutely _crushed_. It was all her fault, and at last, it seemed that she would be spending her Christmas in a fashion her subconscious had inclined.

Great.

She fought. But she lost. She shouldn't feel bad.

“No. Are you crazy? _No_.”

Wait. What?

“You don't want me to go?”

“Absolutely not. I'm not letting you out of my _sight_ , no way in hell.”

“Hotch, I don't understand...” She groaned, because she really didn't. He was sending too many mixed signals, and she was really tired, confused, and this night had been very difficult, anyway, so...

“Just because I can't wrap my head around this doesn't mean I don't want it. Are you serious? Are you seriously telling me you love me?”

“I really am.” JJ nodded. “I love you.”

“And you won't change your mind come dawn?”

“I won't. I'm really sure this is the right thing to do. Will accepts it and supports it. Henry... Henry will adjust. And I want us to try. I want us to have that chance you spoke about.”

“I see.”

Silence. It was becoming unbearable.

“You know that there will be no turning back when I kiss you again?”

 _God_.

“I know. And I can hardly wait.”

“You love me and you won't leave me any time soon?”

“I love you and I won't leave you any time soon,” JJ nods, repeating after him, aware of the fact that Hotch has to be explicitly informed about certain things in order to be able to make sense of it. “But, by gods, if you don't kiss me any time soon, I will kick your ass so hard you will spend your Christmas standing up.”

“That would suck, I like to sit down when I drink my Scotch.”

“Hope you've got some wine left because I hate Scotch.”

“How can anyone hate Scotch, though.”

“Hotch, I swear to God―”

“Ah, fuck it,” he says, closing the distance between them – again – and kissing the daylights out of her.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!

**Author's Note:**

> I do hope you'll give this one a chance and that you'll enjoy it. I really do.
> 
> Five more to go!


End file.
